Sarah vs Reality
by ChucksterinDowntonAbbey
Summary: Sarah Walker is falling in love, but in her line of work falling in love is for suckers and the soon to be dead. Yet in the battle between heart and brain, there is no winner, just hurt and lies. But all she wants is a normal life.
1. Chapter 1

_So this is my first ever fic...the idea has been rolling around in my head for quite some time but I never put pen to paper...or rather fingers to keyboard. I want to give a huge shout out/ thanks to my BETA reader **Ashley** ( I knew having a best friend who was an English major would be useful to me :-D)_

_Also I do not own Chuck or anything related to it, because if I did it would not be ending...ever._

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><p>Sarah Walker did not cry. So why was she sitting despondently on her bed with tears coursing down her cheeks?<p>

She knew the answer, but did not want to admit it, especially to herself. She fell back onto her bed and brought her long legs to her chest, hoping to find some sort of solace in her curled up position. Yet none came. "Damn you, Chuck." she murmured.

She hated herself for being unable to reciprocate the feelings that he obviously held for her. It wasn't that she didn't feel them; it was much more complicated than that. The CIA would never allow a handler/asset relationship. Hell, they barely allowed two spies to stay together romantically. If the CIA even suspected that she had feelings for him she would be reassigned so quickly that she wouldn't even have time to say goodbye. So she had to hide her feelings, and by doing so she hurt him. She had to hurt him, so that she could save him from being thrown into a bunker. At least that's what she told herself; it made everything hurt just a little bit less.

When she was alone, she would pray that maybe someday he'd understand that she couldn't return the love he had for her, because if she did the repercussions would not be ones that either of them could deal with. She couldn't, no, _wouldn't_, see him locked in a bunker. It would kill him. Not to mention her.

The only problem was that Chuck gave her everything every single day. And in return she would push him away, let him know that their relationship would never be more than a cover. But no matter what she had said or done to him the day before, he would come back the next day, maybe not with as much bounce in his step, but he would still come back and in one way or another, attempt to show her how he felt. In his doing so every day, she could feel her walls start to crumble. Chuck was so persistent. Unlike Bryce. Bryce was a good partner and they'd been in a relationship, but the love wasn't there. To her it felt like sometimes they were lovers only to fill the void and provide a warm body.

But with Chuck, everything was different. She had known that he was special the first day she met him: the day that he turned away from her, something that no man had ever done before, to help a little ballerina whose father had forgotten to place the tape in his camcorder to record his daughter's recital. She remembered the moment like it was yesterday:

"_You ready?" Chuck said as he leaned in towards the young ballerina. "I'm usually in the back row" she timidly replied. "Why?" Chuck retorted. The young girl looked at him and earnestly said "I'm too tall, I block the other ballerinas." Chuck leaned in closer and looked the girl in the eyes "Can I tell you a secret? But you can't tell the other girls. Real ballerinas _are _tall."_

Sarah was sure that that was the moment that she fell in lo- "Oh come on Walker, you can't even say it to yourself" she chided. The tears had dissipated and were replaced by a strong desire to become the cool, calm, collected personality that was Sarah Walker.

Sarah forced herself up into a sitting position, her long blonde hair trailing behind her and falling into her face. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and tried to find her bearing, only for the image of one Charles Irving Bartowski to pierce through the calm she was trying to procure. She let out a sigh and allowed the image of Chuck to occupy her thoughts. A tall and lanky frame clothed in your average Nerd Herd uniform with black high top Chucks to complete the ensemble, curly brown hair that was beginning to make funny animal shapes, a smile that you knew was genuine because his ears would raise ever so slightly and deep chocolate brown eyes that were so easy to get lost in: eyes that held his every thought and emotion, eyes that sparkled when they greeted hers. A small smile formed on her face. God she loved his eyes.

The sharp trill of her phone jarred her out of her reverie. Picking it up she saw the glaring face of one General Diane Beckman. Pressing the answer button she raised her phone to her ear. "Walker, secure."

"Agent Walker, report to Castle immediately. We have a situation," the clipped professional voice of General Beckman was there for that one brief moment, and then the line went silent.

Sarah sighed and rose to her feet. So much for spending the afternoon away from Chuck and his eyes and infectious smiles. Her afternoon would now be spent suppressing the urge to just run to him and let his arms envelop her.

As she walked out of the lobby of the hotel that she would consider her place of residence until the mission was over, and towards her car, Sarah expertly slipped on her mask, her spy mask; it allowed her to keep Chuck at arms length, and still protect him. She unlocked the door and slid behind the wheel of her black Porsche, and as soon as the engine purred to life she sped off towards Castle.

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><p><em>Reviews are appreciated. Let me know if you think I should continue with the story.<em>

Love,

Emalee


	2. Chapter 2

_OMG fellow Chucksters! I'm finally updating! I bet you all thought I was dead. You did, didn't you? Actually I couldn't figure out a bad guy (his name, nationality, why he was bad. You name it, I didn't have it figured out) But _**rvwgtgirl1989 **_was instrumental in helping me get past this mind numbing block. And then, we hit January 27__th__ or the day that will forever be on my black list. After that I was just too depressed to write. And I had a shit ton of midterms last week…so there you now have my excuses._

_But I hope you enjoy. I have __**no BETA**__ for this chapter so all the grammatical errors are entirely my own._

_P.S. I don't own Chuck…but I do own seasons 1-4 on DVD…_

The black Porsche screeched to a halt, its tires leaving their mark on the faded asphalt as she pulled into the back of the Orange Orange.

Cutting off the engine with an expert flick of her wrist Sarah exited the small car and mentally prepared herself for another exciting round of "How Not to Break Chuck's Heart but Remain in a Professional Relationship" or HNBCHRPR. She shook her head slightly, 'seriously Walker, you need to work on your naming skills, Morgan comes up with acronyms such as PANTS, or Private Artifacts Never To Share, and all you can come up with is HNBCHRPR, how would you even go about saying that…WALKER SNAP OUT OF IT! You have now stooped to the level of comparing yourself with Chuck's, "hetero life partner," according to Morgan. Not that you could ever be like Morgan…or would want to for that matter.'

Walking the short distance to the entrance of the Orange Orange she noted that both Casey and Chuck's vehicles were parked in their usual spots. Glancing down at the watch on her left wrist, she determined that she still had five minutes to spare before the briefing would commence and shook off the thought that she could possibly be late.

Sarah entered the Orange Orange, glad that her coworker, Molly, was currently attending to the customers frozen yogurt needs and didn't notice her as she walked to the back of the store. She flipped a small switch on the side of her watch and proceeded to place her right thumb on the scanner that had moments before appeared in front of her. A panel opened to her left, she turned, making her way to the entrance to Castle.

She lightly descended the stairs and turned towards the conference room, careful to keep her presence unknown. Pausing in the doorway, her eyes settled on a mop of curly brown hair, belonging to none other than Chuck Bartowski. She saw him swivel in his chair, until his captivating brown eyes came to rest on hers. 'How did he know I was behind him? No one knows when I'm behind them, that is, until it's too late. How does he always know?' she wondered.

Shaking the question from her mind, she strode over to the table and sat, in her usual spot on Chuck's left, repressing the urge to smile when she heard Chuck "Seriously Casey, the way you treat customers, I'm surprised you've even sold one Beast Master. Do you need me to have Morgan show you the ropes again?"

"You do that and you and Moron Two will have my boot shoved so far up both your asses that you'll think you were born conjoined twins" Casey growled, adding Grunt Number 3 "I'm going to kill you," for good measure.

Chuck opened his mouth and looked as if he was going to retort Casey's grievous anatomical mistake, but at that precise moment, the screen above the table flickered to life and the petite redhead, General Beckman, came into view. Without wasting a single moment of time the General began, "Afternoon team. Our Finnish field ops have collected information pertaining to a Rikhard Kaleva." The screen suddenly split and a photo appeared to the right of the four star General. The man in the photo appeared to be in his mid to late fifties, with balding mouse brown hair, high cheek bones, squinty hazel eyes, a sharp nose and thick rimmed glasses.

Sarah glanced over at Chuck after the General mentioned Rikhard, and saw his eyes roll slightly, as if he were staring into a very bright light, and his lips purse, like he had just eaten something a bit too sour. She knew that his brain had accessed the Intersect and he was processing as much information over Kaleva that both the CIA and NSA possessed.

"General," Chuck began "our dear friend, Mr. Kaleva, seems to be trying to create his own bomb…and well if we thought the bomb on Hiroshima was a big, then we might need to redefine the word." Beckman glared at Chuck. He blushed a brilliant shade of red, lowered his eyes and offered "He's created anti-matter. You know, if any of it comes in any sort of contact with matter, well, you'd get a very big…boom."

"Very well Team, we have information that Kaleva will be hosting a soiree at his home in the outskirts of Kemijärvi. You will infiltrate the party and see what information you can ascertain about the anti-matter bomb, and report back here immediately. We shall know what course of action to take once you know the status of the bomb. You will be leaving via jet at 2100. Dismissed." General Beckman left no time for questions as the screen went immediately blank.

Chuck swiveled in his chair and leaned back slightly until he was facing Sarah. "So, I'm assuming February in Finland is, a bit, cold?"

"No moron, it's just like Maui, just replace the sand with snow." Casey said arms folded over his large chest. He rose and strode off towards Castle's armory.

"Going to visit your girl Vera again I see." Chuck yelled, a cheeky grin on his face. "Casey I'm sure she's clean enough." He leaned forward and began to raise his 6 foot 4 frame from the chair.

But before Chuck could even fully stand Casey was back in the conference room and grabbing him by his shirt collar, effectively lifting him off the ground. "Bartowski, if you ever disrespect the best damn gun in this God forsaken place again, I will have the honor of killing you with her and then I'll go have breakfast, I'm thinking pancakes." The large NSA man warned, still tightly gripping Chuck's shirt collar.

Sarah quickly got to her feet "Major Casey, put the asset down!" she warned her partner. "The information he has over the bomb is the only information that we have, so I would suggest that you release him this instant!"

With a menacing grunt Casey slowly released his grip and lowered the human intersect to the floor. Chuck was panting slightly but managed to wheeze "Thanks Casey, you've just reaffirmed the fact that I do not want to be any taller than I already am."

Grunting in annoyance Casey removed himself to the armory to prepare himself for the mission.

Sarah looked at Chuck wanting to ask him how he knew that she had been behind him, but instead informed him "The temperature in Finland in February is usually in the low teens to mid 30's…so pack a parka, and you'll need a tux for the party."

She turned to leave hoping that he would just let her walk out and not press the subject of them. She needed time away. Sometimes she thought about leaving, it would make things easier, she wouldn't have to worry about compromising herself. But when faced with leaving she couldn't seem to do it, sure she'd picked up the phone multiple times planning on calling Beckman and asking to be reassigned, but she could never make herself dial the number.

Chuck spoke interrupting her thoughts, almost making her jump at the sound of his voice. "Umm…Sarah…I'm assuming that we'll be going as a couple to this soiree. Do you know if, umm, we're engaged, married, dating…brother and sister?"

Sarah held back the laugh that threatened to make itself known at his final comment. "No, we aren't going as brother and sister, Chuck," she said, running her hand through her hair, "I don't think we look the part. I'd assume that we just be a couple. Casey will be running surveillance from the van, and will be backup if we run into any trouble."

"Well, I guess I'll see you in a few hours," Chuck smiled, "I really hope that this time we don't get caught in any gun play, which would be really nice. I mean with our track record we will, but it'd be nice to have a nice, calm, date…I mean mission. Crap I can't believe I said date, I truly didn't mean to infer that we're dating, I mean we are, but it's just for cover. It's in no way, shape, or form real."

Sarah loved when he rambled, she found it adorable, internally she was grinning. But his ramblings didn't stop. Instead he continued. "Not saying that you aren't real, you're very real. I mean I know that from the time when you and I were pushed up against that wall." Realizing what he had just said, his face flushed a brilliant shade of red and he flung his arms in front of himself and began to shake his hands wildly, a stressed look crossing his face. "Oh my God, Sarah I didn't mean to bring that up…I mean even if you weren't real, you'd still be the most beautiful woman ever. Sometimes I don't think people could possibly believe our cover. Just look at you. You're smart, beautiful, funny, refined and totally perfect in every way." Sarah couldn't help but just stare at him, she was unable to move, let alone talk. She raised her arm, thinking that maybe if she placed her hand on his arm, he would stop babbling.

But it seemed that Chuck took her silence as an opening to continue; her arm fell to her side. "And then you've got me. I'm just a nerd who works at a Buy More, who got kicked out of Stanford by his best friend. For something he didn't even do! I mean I'm a failure. I've got nothing to offer a woman; especially not a woman like you." He waved his hands in the air until they fell by his side and sucked in a deep breath "Sarah, I guess what I want to say is that, I really like you, not just because you save me pretty much every single day, but because you laugh at my corny jokes, and put up with Morgan because even my own sister doesn't put up with him that well" he chuckled. "So, with all of that, and this might be very juvenile of me, but, will you, Sarah Walker, go on a date with me sometime? No mission, no cover, just the two of us."

Sarah felt her eyes widen, had he actually just asked her out? On a date? She shifted her weight uncomfortably and looked down at the floor, and proceeded to watch her right toe trace a circle on the concrete floor.

Chuck seemed to notice her change in manner and softly said "It's ok Sarah, you don't have to answer right now. I know that we've got this mission," He smiled "I mean it's just a little important. So I'll wait for your answer." He grinned, one of his trademark Bartowski smiles, waved to her, and walked up the stairs and out of Castle.

Sarah stood there, in the middle of the conference room, totally speechless. He'd actually gone and said it, the thing she had most been dreading. That he wanted to try them. He'd said in quite a few words, but it all boiled down to the fact that he wanted her to give him a chance, to give the possibility of them a shot at being more than they were now.

She didn't know how to react. There was Agent Walker, who demanded perfection, and did everything by the books. Reminding her, rather forcefully, that the cardinal rule of spying is "Spies don't fall in love" and also her father's golden rule "Once you know all the cons, you can't be a sucker." Suckers fall in love; suckers get compromised, and ruin their careers. Suckers always loose.

But then there was a much smaller voice, one that she rarely ever listened to, one that for the longest time had no voice. The girl, Sarah Walker; the girl who, despite her childhood as a con man's daughter, and her current life as one of the CIA's top spies, had desires more than just rising through the ranks, and retiring young as the Director of the CIA. This version of Sarah wanted a house with a white picket fence and a red door. She wanted someone to protect her, both emotionally and physically. Someone to tell all of her deepest thoughts. Someone to grow old with. And that someone, she thought, was Chuck Bartowski. She wanted a life.

But she couldn't have a life. A life was not allowed, not the life she wanted, especially since she didn't know how to give up the life she had. That life was all she knew, she was comfortable with it.

The battle for her heart waged on in her brain, and in a vain attempt to get away from the two halves of herself, she sought out the one thing that could always clear her head. So she sped off to Castle's gym, going directly to the punching dummy. As she slipped on her gloves she cleared her head, and began to focus on her footwork.

Unfortunately, it didn't work, her punches became harsher, more erratic, almost desperate, as she tried to think of anything else; anything other than the question that Chuck had presented to her 45 minutes earlier. She was conflicted; part of her wanted nothing more than to see what her world would be like if she tried to be normal, to have a normal relationship. The other part of her knew that she could never be normal, and continued to remind herself of that.

Her body was tired, and her skin was glossy with sweat. She stepped back from the dummy only to turn and swiftly raised her right leg and swung it with all of her might into its midsection. The dummy was pushed backwards, and creaked with the strength of the kick. She lowered her head. But then her head shot up, her blue eyes blazing.

"DAMNIT!" she screamed.

_Let me know what you all think…I'm not sure how I feel about the ending. Also…do you think that in a few chapters time I should possibly have Chuck and Molly be a thing? Don't worry this will eventually be a Charah story. So yeah hit me up, reviews and answering my question will be very much appreciated. I hope to be more frequent on my updates from now on._

_Love, Emalee_


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